After all, who should pay for the cafe before marriage ?! Mehr News Agency Iran and world’s news
Mehr news agency; Magazine Group *: It is clear as day that our marriages have gradually changed from traditional to newer and more modern forms. If before all the acquaintance and courtship steps were held in my daughter’s house with the presence of two families, today many meetings of this acquaintance are held in public places such as cafes. These conversations can be supervised by the families as well as by the decision of the son-in-law and the daughter-in-law themselves, who are no longer directly involved and decide for themselves their lives. At the moment, we are not talking about how right this type of dating appointment is and what to consider, but we are talking about another issue: that when a girl and a boy are put in a cafe to talk about their marriage, the cost of the cafe Should the son pay or should he vote ?!
This was an interesting topic that arose this week on the Instagram page of Ms. Maryam Ebrahimi, a doctor of family psychology from Shahid Beheshti University and a marriage counselor in public and private clinics, between girls and boys, and each addressed the issue from one angle. Maybe one or two sessions in the cafe are not too much and the costs are not so high, but if the same two sessions are to be turned into five sessions and then the son-in-law has to go through the same process with another girl, it is not clear until If he gets married, he should count some cafes out of Mubarak’s pocket! When we saw that this was an interesting discussion and less talked about, we went to Ms. Ebrahimi herself, who is known as “Grandmother Ibrahim” among married children. On her page, Nana Ibrahim informs families, girls and boys about various issues such as courtship, marriage and married life on her own page and accompanies them on the path of marriage.
Marriage cafes!
“I did not intend to talk about this,” says Ibrahim’s grandmother about starting the discussion on her own page. It all started when I went to a cafe myself, which is usually chosen by religious couples for their marriage talks. I also told my audience with the same humorous tone that I have on my page, because such and such a cafe is crowded, it is better that you do not place your appointments here! This was my excuse and went to the cafe and got married. Little by little, the gentlemen started saying, “Why do we gentlemen have to pay for the cafe ?! “When can the cost of the cafe not be borne only by us and the others not think that we are stingy?” At first, this was strange to me, and I replied, “No! No!” It is not possible at all. “Because then every girl will look at you as stingy.” Little by little, I saw comments that said, “We go to court a lot, and if we are going to spend so much in every cafe, it will not cost us anything.” See how bad the economic situation is. “But we have been at work for several years,” he said.
When girls support boys!
Ms. Ebrahimi says: “More interesting than this were the girls who came and took the side of these boys and said that they were right.” Why should a stranger pay for us? Some women said that we have financial independence and we do not need a man to pay for us at all. Or, for example, if the first time the cost of the cafe was paid by the son, it is good that the second time the cost is borne by my daughter. These were women for whom financial independence was important. Some also said that we do not want to owe anyone. Suddenly I saw that I was receiving comments that were completely contrary to my original idea. Of course, the message from the ladies who knew this behavior was based on the stinginess of the son-in-law was also high, but I did not expect the messages of accompanying the father-in-law to be so many. For example, there were many girls who said, “I can not count on the authority and masculinity of a boy who tells me to give your dang!” “Because of that, in any case, my answer to this person is negative.” This was said by many women. But it was strange to me, because there were a lot of women who said that not all the expenses should be borne by the gentleman.
I ask Ms. Ebrahimi, “You expected all the girls to agree with the calculation of the cost of the cafe by the boys. It is true?”. They answer: Yes. I even expected some women to say that gender genders about women are very important to them, but I saw that not only some of them but also many religious and traditional families were saying the same thing. This group of women, for example, said that we have financial independence, but the religious girls said that we do not want to be under anyone’s religion, or they said that this gentleman has nothing to do with us who wants to calculate our expenses! That is, everyone agreed with this for their own reasons. There were some girls who said that because of the economic situation, we should understand the boys.
Patak of girls to smart boys!
Another point is that the girls said, “Many boys come to our house empty-handed or end up with a box of thirty-four thousand tomans worth of chocolate, which is nothing compared to the expenses we pay for the reception.” These are separate from the shaking house. For example, the fruit we buy is expensive. We all know that the fruit of courtship is different from the fruit that people usually buy for themselves. We buy fruit, we buy nuts, sometimes we buy sweets. “Our cost is so high that if we want to proceed with this view, the son-in-law must also get our card number, and if our meetings do not end in marriage, he will have to pay for them!” That is to say, a similar look arose among the girls.
What do the other boys say ?!
Ms. Ebrahimi says about the reaction of other boys to this discussion: “On the other hand, I met a lot of boys who said in a sharp tone and even ugly words that” dirt on the head of a boy who can not count the money of a cafe. ” Or the phrase that was repeated many times was “a boy who can’t pay one hundred tomans and two hundred tomans for a cafe, why does he want to get married at all?” After seeing that a large number of boys and girls agree with this issue, I said that maybe I need to reconsider my view and I should not face the issue with a zero-sum look. So I went and read a little bit about the subject. For example, I followed this issue in other cultures and consulted with my friends abroad. Most of them said that in the West, when a boy and a girl date for any reason, it is still the first date with a man, but from the next dates, arithmetic may occur. In the Middle East and the Far East and in populist countries, in order to show his authority, he is a pioneer in such matters. For example, we have heard in our culture that women should not put their hands in their pockets, and that’s it. The view of Islam in cohabitation is that all expenses are borne by Aqa. In Islam, even the dowry is with the gentleman, but in our culture, the dowry is brought by the daughter. At the same time, I saw that as the culture of the society is changing, it seems that new perspectives are being formed. In the summary I presented, I tried to take into account the views of both sides.
Count the Dutch roots of Dengi!
The subject had become so important and fascinating to me that I went and found the root of the term “arithmetic” and realized that it belonged to the Dutch. When the British went to war with the Dutch, when they wanted to ridicule them, they would point out, “Let’s be stingy like the Dutch and be stingy.” Then I saw that when stinginess is an ugly behavior in those cultures, in collectivist cultures like ours it certainly means stinginess. In our culture, hospitality and compliments and respect for the guest are very important, maybe that is why this behavior on the part of boys has a bad meaning for girls and makes them feel unreliable. For example, many children used to say, “When I go to a coffee shop with my friend, I can’t even tell him to count!” “Either I count or he, but it may be his turn next time.”
Finally, should we count Dengi Dengi or not ?!
In response to the above question and in the summary of the discussion, Nana Ibrahim says: I myself, after all the research and consultations, did not come to the conclusion that the marriage appointments should be considered as dangs. Because this behavior is not embedded in our culture. Also, just as a girl and a boy may date outside the home, there are several appointments at the girl’s family home, which also come at a cost. Rather, home meetings may be more than out-of-date appointments. Therefore, if the expenses of the Dengi cafe are to be taken into account, then the appointments inside my daughter’s house must also be taken into account, which is the bottom line! My view is that the son-in-law will bear the cost of the appointments and the courtship and dating process, but it would be better if the marriage breaks down, the girl’s family calls, thanks, gets a card number and reimburses half of the costs, especially the counseling costs. Regarding the counseling, some women said that we are counting on Dengi right now. In some counseling centers, the secretary himself tells everyone to do their part. This means that this behavior has become more popular about counseling, but it has not become more popular about cafes and conversation appointments because it has the status of being a guest. I think it is good to have a culture that if these appointments do not end in marriage, the girl’s family will reimburse the minimum costs of counseling. I think we can maneuver more on counseling, especially since counseling costs are high today.
* Author: Jawad Shaykh al-Islami
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