Life group; نعیمه موحد: The beginning of any life together is associated with many hopes and aspirations. No one leaves at the beginning of their life due to losing or separating from their spouse. But sometimes things go that way and cohabitation can no longer continue. In these situations, which sometimes include the death of a spouse, returning to a normal past life and then starting another life together becomes a major challenge in one’s life. Especially if a child is present in a person’s life, the dimensions of the story will become more complicated and thus the decision to start a new life together will be more difficult.
In our society, there are many incorrect taboos about second marriage, especially when there is a divorce and there is a child from the previous marriage. To have a new and successful life together, we need to know how to deal with these false taboos and stereotypes. We also need to know at what stage of separation or the death of our spouse and with what feelings and experiences we are ready to start a new life together.
In this conversation Mehdi Naji Azimi; Couple therapist, counselor and university lecturer He talked about how people face the taboos of remarriage and the issues and problems in this field.
Fars: What does it mean to say that remarriage should be conscious and logical?
One of the misconceptions is that when a man and a woman separate, or even before they separate, they enter into a second or even a third relationship to escape their problems. People feel insecure and distrustful in their original relationship and enter another communication process, which makes them think they feel better in the next relationship. This is because of the negative emotions in the first relationship, and people often enter into such relationships to escape their own problems.
The act of remarriage must be conscious and logical. This means that one must first know oneself and one’s needs, and even the problems that led to the failure of the first marriage, so that such a problem does not arise in the next relationship.
Some people have a misconception that they should get married immediately to escape loneliness and family and social pressures and even to meet their financial needs. They may get married quickly because of the other person’s stubbornness or to show the ability to reconnect.
Another misconception is that they get married to escape their circumstances. Because they have unfavorable conditions and for example their age is increasing and they think it will be too late if they do not get married. Most of these people are emotionally and emotionally young and can not make the right choice and therefore get married. They may be involved in the emotions and feelings of a previous marriage, and they may be nervous, angry, or even sad, and therefore experience a second marriage regardless of appropriate criteria, such as age, culture, and beliefs. They will have many problems in their relationships.
Another issue that is categorized as irrational is that people become perfectionists and say that what I could not achieve in the previous marriage, I will achieve in the second marriage. This perfectionism will lead to raising the standards of marriage for themselves and the other party. Therefore, they do not tolerate the slightest criticism and problems on the other side. They may even be so strict that they do not even tolerate their own shortcomings. This perfectionism will reduce flexibility in relationships. As a result, they will experience more differences and conflicts. If people feel that they are in such a situation, they should definitely consult a counselor or psychologist.
Sometimes people are still in the past and have not yet come to terms with their previous experience. When they can not let go of the previous experience, they will be completely in anger or remorse. They may even compare the new person to the previous partner. These people will cause a lot of further damage. When we are not coping with the past, we may suppress many of our emotions, and these negative and repressed emotions will last for many years in our new life and cause serious damage to this new life. In such cases, the solution is to give ourselves a chance to think about our past. Specify your share and the other party. We must give ourselves a chance so that the bitterness of the past is not transferred to the present and the future.
As a psychologist, we advise people to be patient and allow divorce and separation to pass for a while before entering into a new relationship. This opportunity allows them to analyze their previous relationship and prepare for remarriage. The shock of past bad relationships must be overcome or the grief of losing a deceased spouse must subside. They can remarry after emotional failure becomes an experience and a lesson.
Fars: If a person has a child or children from his previous marriage, what will be the situation for him?
In some cases, the person has a child from their previous marriage. These children can affect the psychological atmosphere of people and this issue must be resolved. Children may not be eligible to accept a new person, and this will take time for the children to take a stand. Or the children may live next to your ex-partner and the news of your marriage may be met with a reaction from the previous partner. You need to prepare yourself and your new partner in advance for such situations. If you think your children are in a crisis and can’t accept a new marriage, you may need to talk to a counselor or couple therapist.
Fars: There is a misconception in our society that anyone who gets a divorce must have had a defect. How should we deal with this stereotype in the process of choosing to remarry?
People may look for flaws in their remarriage that they saw in their previous marriage from their partner and show more sensitivity to this issue. This pessimism and exaggeration can cause problems and confusion with the simplest behaviors of your new partner. Examine your past problems carefully so that you do not become exaggerated and do not repeat past problems in your new life. In such cases we have to ask ourselves a fundamental question. What was the purpose of our remarriage? This question makes it clear to us why we are entering into a new relationship and how we want to reap the benefits of remarriage.
One of the misconceptions about remarriage in the community is that if a person is divorced and even separated at a young age, people will stigmatize and label them. They look at a divorced person like a second-hand sex, and they think that someone must have had a problem that led to divorce. If this view is not correct at all. Two people may not be able to live together but each has a normal personality, but these two people can not form a good team or family together. Divorce does not mean that people are good or bad. This is a misconception in society that we need to work on.
Another social taboo goes back to uninterrupted marriage, which accuses a person of unkindness and cruelty. Or they may get people to communicate or plan and tag. When they get married immediately, they accuse the person of seeking diversity and say that he has sacrificed his child for his own pleasures.
One of the problems that can occur in a second marriage is that the amount of emotions and feelings of communication is less. When they are old and enter into a new relationship at an older age, they do not have the excitement of the first marriage. We should not allow our emotions to be suppressed. At the same time, there is always a kind of pessimism and doubt in remarriage, and due to the experience of emotional failure, there is no trust in the first marriage. They may even be pessimistic about the other person and think that he is still in a relationship with his ex-wife. This suspicion and anxiety intensify when a child is involved. In a second marriage, trust must be strengthened so that they can be at peace with each other.
Fars: In our society, are women or men more likely to remarry?
The chances of remarriage are very different for men and women, and there are several conditions involved in the chances of remarriage. Men are usually more likely to remarry. Or the chances of remarrying someone who has taken responsibility for the children are lower. This is a cultural issue that we need to work on.
Fars: When we are in a situation of remarriage, how much information should we give to the other party about the first marriage? Or how much should we research about the other party’s past life when we are courting?
One of the factors that builds trust in the second life is that we can talk easily and clearly about the reasons for the failure of the previous marriage. It gives us and the other person the confidence to know why the previous marriage failed and what we should do to prevent such an experience from happening again in the new relationship. The most honest way is to consider the other party as a model of trust and ask him questions and ambiguities and accept his words. We do not need to go into details and what he says is important. If you do not see a contradiction, there is no need to research and inquire from others. You have to be balanced. A logical and balanced search is necessary.
Fars: What are the taboos of a second marriage for a woman?
Women need to have the necessary self-confidence. They also need feeling and attention, and all factors must be taken into account. In addition to respecting their ex-spouse or deceased spouse, they should be able to experience good social interactions and a deep emotional relationship.
Fars: When can we be sure that we are emotionally and logically ready to start another life together after the death or divorce of our spouse?
It must take a few months, and in the meantime you should talk to a counselor and psychologist. In addition, it is better to participate in communication and marriage skills workshops and answer the question, what need do they want to meet in remarriage? These allowed the person to be ready for a new relationship and to come to terms with themselves and put aside the bitter feelings of the past. The more honest they are with themselves, the better they can get into a new marriage.
Fars: In the second life together, where is the family and friends of the ex-spouse if the relationship between them is good? What considerations should be considered in this regard?
One theory is that one should approach this issue in a civilized way and they can have a respectful and friendly relationship, especially when a child is involved, this kind of look becomes more prominent in order to establish respectful communication.
But the second theory is that past communications can be a source of pessimism. It may weaken the foundation stone of a second marriage and lead to pessimism in the spouse. Therefore, I recommend that when a relationship ends, you end the relationship completely and not halfway. You may feel civilized, but experience has shown that this behavior leads to pessimism and tension in the new relationship, and past pressures prevent you from experiencing peace. If in special cases a relationship is formed with the ex-spouse, it must be in full coordination and supervision of the new spouse so that the second life is not damaged.
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